I used to do customer service training until I started viewing poor service as a bonus event that would provide me with more material, a greater sense of job security, and a reason to celebrate. That’s a perverse worldview, so I changed the focus of my work.

There was an exercise I did in those workshops that applies here. Since everyone has been a customer, I asked participants to share the worst customer service they’d ever experienced. Then we compiled a list of the characteristics that made those encounters unbearable. I scribbled their answers onto a large flip chart and then told them not to be guilty of any of those behaviors themselves. This technique worked quite well I might add, because we’ve all been a poorly treated customer and can identify how the transaction went wrong. The same technique can apply to leadership, especially when you apply it with a positive spin. When you ask, What did the best leader you ever had do? you’re asking a new leader to identify the good leadership behavior they’ve experienced. We’ve all been led by others and can identify what worked. Listening to their answers and supporting the behavior choices they’ve made also gives new leaders a sense of confidence about their potential as leaders. Asking new leaders to adopt positive leadership behavior they’ve experienced and have chosen as beneficial is much more effective than burying them with a laundry list of your own notions of effective leadership.

As your leadership dialogue with new leaders deepens over time, these initial behaviors can be the ones you question them about. As they grow more confident as leaders and as you have more insight into their leadership strengths and development needs, you can suggest other skills that they might want to work on as well as ways to learn and develop them.