1

Good evening. Thank you for inviting me and putting me on the program in such a favorable time slot. At this early stage in this game, you are still alert and expectant of great things to come. We’re 15 seconds into the program now. So far, so good.

2

Thank you very much. No, I know that most speakers say “thank you” to the audience at the end of their speech, but since I’m sort of a backward person anyway, I thought I’d start out that way. Thank you—I want you to hear that right up front so you don’t miss it. I appreciate very much your efforts in….

3

Hello. My name is ______, and I’ll be your emcee tonight. Maybe I’d better define that role before I fill it. You do know what emcee normally stands for, don’t you? Master of circuitous tripe. That is, in between the speakers, they usually apologize for the boring ones and exaggerate about the upcoming ones. Well, I’m not going to have to fill that role tonight because the speakers we have need no apologies and no exaggerations. You’ll come to your own conclusion that they are all superb.

4

Very late the other night I was having trouble with a particular software program for my home computer and called the support hotline. And the person who answered “Hello” was only the night security guard.

I explained my whole problem to him: “I need a quick answer before this software drives me crazy. After I get the NET screen, I get a (bad command) message. I don’t need a special mag card for that utility, do I?”

There was dead silence on the phone. And I mean I was frustrated. I think I probably shouted back into the phone to him, “Don’t you know anything about your own software?”

“Listen,” the guard said to me. “I just told you all I know about computers when I said ‘hello.’”

Well, that’s exactly how I felt when your program chairman called me to tell me your program theme this year. So I’ll dispense with an attempt to seem literate on the subject of X, and I’ll go to something I do have a little expertise on. And that’s…..

5

After being hit on the head by a mugger, a traveler found himself wandering the streets of (city) completely addled. He approached a passer-by, “Sir, excuse me, but could you tell me where I am?”

“Sure, you’re right in front of a McDonald’s playground.”

“Oh,” the traveler responded, “You must be a senior executive in a large corporation.”

Flattered, the man nodded. “How did you know that?”

“Well, your information is typical—accurate but rather useless.”

I’ll do better for you today. I want to give you some useful how-to’s on….

6

When I asked (name of meeting planner) how long I should talk, she said for me to take as long as I wanted—but that you would leave at 8:00. If that’s the case—and obviously it must be, from the looks on some of your faces—I think I’ll get started right away. I’d hate for you to stop listening before I finish speaking.

7

As I began to prepare what I wanted to say tonight, I started to jot down some key ideas about [insert details about speaking topic]. But then the list got pretty long, so I decided to leave off the “nice to know” things and just concentrate on the “must know” things.

But then the list was still a little long, so I started thinking about your frame of mind at this time in the program and what would really be essential information after a week of meetings, several airline hassles, jostling around on the expo floor, and lots of spicy food.

So trying to keep all that in mind, I decided that the thing you would most like to hear is about ten minutes. No more than ten minutes of anything. So here goes….

8

The old proverb that states, “Blessed is he who has nothing to say and who refrains from saying it” does not apply to me on this occasion. I have something of utmost importance to say. I just hope to say it well. I’ll be straightforward. My message is simply this:…