1

I was certainly relieved to see this auditorium fill up at the last minute. The president and I both arrived early, talking about what to expect tonight. When he said that you usually had about 200 people and there were only four people here, I got a little worried. In fact, I just asked him outright, “Did you announce that I was going to address the meeting tonight?”

“No,” your president assured me, surveying the empty audience. “But it sure looks like word leaked out, didn’t it?”
Well, never mind. What I have to say is good for ten or 10,000.

2

Great. After listening to all of those wonderful things just said, I know exactly how a waffle feels when somebody smothers it with syrup.
Well, never mind. I’ve always had a sweet tooth. Just let me enjoy it. As you can imagine—where I’m concerned—such introductions are rare.

3

That meager applause didn’t bother me. I’ve had the wind knocked out of my sails before. In fact, when the program chairman introduced me at an engagement last week, she said, “We have only one speaker today. So, when he is finished speaking we can sit back and relax and enjoy ourselves because the rest of the program is going to be entertainment.”

4

Thank you, (name) for those gracious remarks. About the only thing you didn’t say about me was that I was born in a log cabin. And you were right. I wasn’t born in a log cabin. But my family did move into one as soon as they could afford it.

5

Thanks, (name) for that introduction. If I’d known I was going to be that good, I’d have gotten here earlier to get a better seat.

6

Thanks for such an introduction. I think the three most difficult things in the world to do are these:
1) Hang on to a bucking bronco,
2) Eat melted ice cream with a fork, and
3) Live up to that flattering introduction you just gave me.

7

I think I should warn you at the outset—I’m just a mediocre speaker. But there’s a bright side to that. You never know when you have a bad day.

8

I know some of you had doubts about my being here tonight. The state of my health and all. In fact, after I sent in the photo they used in the publicity brochure, someone from your office called, quite concerned. She said, “Mr. (name), if you look like your photo, are you sure you’re well enough to accept this invitation?”

9

Before I get into my talk, I just want to remind you that I come free—no fee attached. And you usually get what you pay for. That reminder out of the way, let’s talk about….

10

Speaking on the designated topic, I feel a lot like the bureaucrat who addressed a group of farmers about the government’s policy on drought. After the program was over, the speaker asked a farmer in the audience how he thought the talk was received by the rest of the group. The farmer answered, “You did okay, but a good hard rain would’ve done a heck of a lot more for us.”

Likewise, I don’t know what I’m going to say that will lessen the impact of [insert]. But I’ll do my darnedest.

11

I noticed that some of you were already yawning before I got up here. But I’m not offended. On the contrary,… I take it as a compliment. In expectation of my talk, you were yawning to take in more oxygen to the brain so that you’d be more alert. So, if you yawn, as I get further into the talk, don’t worry about it—I’ll just talk with more fervor.

12

Thank you for this opportunity to address you as a group. I’ve always loved motivational speakers, and now I am one. In fact, I still remember the first really superb motivational speaker I ever heard—(name). He encouraged us as new employees just embarking on our career to improve the world—to go out and establish a sound financial policy for business and for government, and to eliminate poverty and crime in the world. As you can see, the results speak for themselves. So, I feel fully capable of motivating you to do likewise today.

13

That was such a glowing introduction I hardly recognized myself. But didn’t it sound good? I can’t wait to hear what I’m going to say.

14

You know, you’re lucky this is an after-dinner speech. They say that hearing is considerably dulled by eating—I suppose that’s nature’s way of protecting us from boredom.

15

I’d like to introduce myself—you’ll see me listed on the program before you. I’m “speaker pending.” If my talk’s interesting enough, they’ll fill in the real name later.

16

You’ve heard of “Who’s Who” listings. Who’s Who in Science. Who’s Who in the Arts. Well, I’m more in the category of “Who’s He?”

17

Some of you have probably spent a lot of time tracing your family history, your roots. But I never did like research. So I just decided to offer to speak somewhere and let the meeting planner and newsletter editor do that research for me. In that introduction, you’ve just heard and read more about me than I knew myself. You did a fine job, (name). Thank you. May I have a copy to send to my folks?

18

Thank you, (name), for that wonderful introduction. Praise has many effects on man. It makes a wise man modest, but a fool more arrogant. Now, listen up, you dunderheads, and I’ll tell you how to set the world straight.

19

Hello. That was a wonderful meal, and I see some of you are still sipping your coffee. You may want to put those cups aside, however, now that I’m speaking—the caffeine may keep you awake.

20

They say a prophet is not respected in his own country. Well, I’ll have to admit that’s so in my case. My own company sometimes has a less-than-high regard for my abilities to forecast the future in our industry. And as I was rubbing my Pet Rock, drinking my New Coke, and listening to my quadraphonic sound system, I tried to figure out the problem about credibility. Nevertheless, I have a few ideas to share about the future….

21

I want to begin by welcoming each of you and especially those of you I know personally. I only wish that my family could have been here. My father would have really enjoyed that introduction. My mother would have believed it.

22

Thank you, (name), for allowing me time on the program. I promise to be brief—no matter how long it takes me to get my ideas out.

23

Hello. I want you to know that I take speeches and pre-meeting promotional literature very seriously. In case you don’t recall, your invitation promised, “The lunch will be delicious, the networking opportunities excellent, and the program brief.” I can handle brief.

24

As you may know, you don’t pay speakers to address your group. And, of course, that’s fine with me as long as I know your money is going elsewhere for a good cause. (Name of meeting planner) did offer me a small honorarium, which I refused. And she seemed rather happy because she said that you all contribute individually before each program. You’ll be happy to know that she put the honorarium intended for me back into the group’s fund. She said that contribution would bring you pretty close to your total goal—for a coffeepot.

25

For those of you whose sense of guilt got you out of bed this morning after such a long week, I offer my admiration.

26

I’m going to speak today about [insert program topic], and you’re going to listen. I hope you don’t finish before I do.

27

As I stand before you, I can’t help thinking about the man who was killed in a recent flash flood. He made his way to heaven, and at the Pearly Gates he was asked to give his case history—to tell the story of how he died and came to heaven. This he obligingly did. St. Peter thought the story so interesting that he asked the new arrival if he would agree to give a talk to the other angels in heaven, telling them all about the flood and his demise. The newly arrived resident of heaven was very much flattered, and he immediately accepted the invitation. As he flew away, a kind young angel tugged at the sleeve of his robe and said, “Sir, I think I ought to tell you that Noah will be in the audience.”

That’s exactly how I feel about addressing you this morning—a roomful of Noahs—on the subject of….

28

Yesterday as I thought of this talk, I grew a little panicked because I know how valuable your time away from the job is. Taking out my notes, I tried to eliminate everything that you might already know about [insert topic] and concentrate on just the few important insights I might be able to add to your considerable knowledge.

So, in conclusion,…

29

Thank you for allowing me this slot on your program. A keynote, after-dinner speaker. I’m flattered. Up until this meeting, I was just an after-snack speaker.

30

Good evening. I appreciate the opportunity to address a group such as this, my peers in the industry. If I don’t seem larger than life, it’s because I’m not. But try to keep in mind that it’s not I who speaks, but life within me. And believe me I’ve had an eventful life. I chose to make my own mistakes,… to learn by doing rather than simply observing others’ experiences.

31

I’m reminded of the fellow who was once introduced at a similar luncheon meeting as the most gifted businessman in the country—evidenced by the fact that he had made a million dollars in California oil.

When he rose to speak, he appeared a bit embarrassed. The facts as reported were essentially correct, he said, but he felt compelled to state that it wasn’t oil,… it was coal,… and it wasn’t California,… it was Pennsylvania,… and just to keep the record straight, it wasn’t a million,… it was a hundred thousand,… and it wasn’t me,…it was my brother,… and he didn’t make it,… he lost it.

Matters of fact aside, though, I’m grateful for those kind words and for this opportunity to talk with you today.

32

Before I start, I’d like to assert that I’m better than sunshine. Pardon me, but I just feel the necessity to say that. After the last time I spoke, I heard a nice little lady walking out with her husband say what an inspirational speaker she thought I was. And her husband turned to her and snapped, “Thirty minutes of bright sunshine would have done me more good.”

Well, that hurt my feelings, and I just want to remind you that the sun isn’t out today. So there’s no use making a comparison.

33

Let me say at the outset that I’m considered a very good speaker. In fact, at my last engagement as the crowd was leaving, several came by, shook my head, and told me how much they had enjoyed the talk. Except for one old geezer. He shook his head and told me it was the sorriest speech he’d ever heard. Talk about embarrassed. I was. But then the president made me feel a lot better. He overheard the comment and rushed over to assure me, “Don’t give that comment a second thought. That guy’s a half-wit. He’s never had an original thought in his mind. Just repeats what he hears everybody else saying.”

34

I’m really pleased that you invited me to speak in such nice surroundings. The accommodations and acoustics are wonderful. Not like the last place I spoke. There was so much hall noise and interruptions that I couldn’t even hear myself. Of course, a couple of attendees assured me that I hadn’t missed much.

35

I think it’s important that you get to know me—my personality and all—before I start into my real speech. And, of course, in this kind of a situation, it’s a little difficult to get to know each of you intimately. So maybe I’ll just tell you a little about myself. I’m kind of a “life-of-the-party” type. But then I guess that gives you a pretty good idea of how dull the parties I attend are.

36

I feel that I should warn you—you’re guinea pigs tonight. Yes, I’m trying out some new ideas and I’d like your honest feedback when I finish. To tell you the truth, I’m thinking of writing a book on this subject, and I’d like to have your opinion after I’m finished. I’ve already talked to a publisher, who once commented to the press that every public speaker has a good book in him. When I phoned him to talk about my particular subject and expertise, I reminded him of his earlier remark. And he reaffirmed that belief: “I’m still sure that’s true that every speaker has a book in him—and I think that, in your case, that’s where it should stay.”

37

I’ve been selected as your speaker. You’re my audience. It’s my job to talk to you and it’s your job to listen. If you finish before I do, let me know.