1

From the looks on a few faces, I think you’re about through with my talk. All you have to do to get me to sit down is to start clapping…. Did I hear someone applaud? Thank you. (Be seated.)

2

(Glance at your watch.) My, my, how time flies when you’re having fun talking,… and philosophizing,… and telling people how to set the world straight. Here it is, already eight fifty-eight and three quarters. Let’s call it a night.

3

Well, I’m finished with what I had planned to say. Before I sit down, does anybody have a present for me? I don’t mean to be presumptuous or anything, but at the last place I spoke they gave me a new stereo system. Well, not exactly. They gave me an extension cord and said that the next time they invited me back, they’d give me the stereo to go with it. (Glance around.) No gift? Well, thanks anyway.

4

In wrapping up my talk, let me say that I’m a little disappointed about tonight. There are two people in the audience—former colleagues of mine whom I’d asked specifically to attend to give me their opinion on the talk. Both have gone to sleep. But then I guess sleep is an opinion. Maybe I’ll just keep polishing on this talk before I wake them.

5

Well, it’s ten o’clock and you’re still here. (Glance at meeting planner.) (Name), I don’t know what to do now. You see, here was our plan. If you were still here after dinner, (name) was going to talk about [insert]. Then if you were still here at eight, (name) was going to talk about [insert]. Then if you were still here at nine, I was supposed to give you my views about (subject covered). And then if you were still here at ten—we didn’t discuss what to do then. But, not to worry, I have a wallet full of grandbaby pictures. And in the trunk of my car I still have slides from our Colorado vacation. Oh,… I see there’s a little shuffling around now. Maybe we’d just better wrap this up without the extras.

6

Let me say in closing that I hope you couldn’t tell I ate before I spoke. A former pastor of mine always used to refuse a meal when a parishioner offered it, saying “no thanks” because he had to preach later. And more than once I heard members of our congregation say that as far as they were concerned he might as well have eaten. Well, I didn’t eat. How was it?

7

I want to close by sharing one little theory I have. To me, the mark of a gentle, considerate person is that he or she listens attentively to someone with very limited knowledge tell him what he already knows a lot about. Thank you for being so considerate tonight.